Ayatollah Hermione

Burpee Jackson. I assume Jackson isn't your surname but it's funnier that way

Don't have much else to add other than Man United being shite fills my bitter heart with unrestrained glee and long may it continue.

"Gene deals in the type of satire that cuts to the core with laser-focused accuracy" - Nobody

As much as these are probably the worst side in the league, it IS their first home game and Colin Wanker will probably have them well up for it to the point where we'll have to weather some kind of early pressure, I imagine. I'm cautiously optimistic that we can start controlling the game and force their defence into mistakes since they looked AOTS against Bournemouth. I'll hedge my bets and say 1-1 since I reckon they'll be much improved from last week.

That’s the long and short of it. Though, even in the very likely event that it has nothing to do with him bucking dogs, that rumour is going to persist around him forever and after his refereeing against us, it’s no less than he deserves

Oh my god, find a hobby that isn't posting shit wind-ups on football forums. It's 2018

RIP Aretha Franklin. Spoke before about how Lady Soul and Spirit in the Dark are two perfect albums but her early stuff where it's mostly covers, is also fantastic

Well, that tosspot Alex Jones is telling people to take up arms and shoot left-wing journalists so it’s clearly not getting better anytime soon

Might as well be the Birmingham motto

My mate went to Mauritius and he was telling me it was shite. Sorry, Fish

Bit like David May, in that sense

Yedlin is just a fast Danny Simpson

On what Earth are The Animals bigger than The Police? I mean, they were a much better band but still

Aye, well in, Lloyd Webber

Nice of Rafa to be fair on Spurs. No new signings for them so we play last year’s team as well

The Premier League is shit now but if they don't get promoted this season, there'll be fucking hell on that they have to stay in League One, the real football league, for another year

Took the Sky boost for Perez and Son both to score so I'm hoping for at least 1-1

We must be the only club in the world that has to write statements promising that we're actually going to try

Buying high street stores in 2018 ffs

I actually did His debut in the cup was one of the most shocking performances I've ever seen. Every cross he hit had about 10 yards too much on it. Did alright in the further round against Hull, like. Saivet is also still on the books I'd keep him around tbf. Good for one screaming free kick a season

So, is Fernández a decent centre half? I mean, as a player before people roll in with Swansea’s goals conceded stats. He’s been in this league years and has made no impact on me whatsoever

Tbf, even I didn’t think Rafa would get so little to spend, especially considering just how much money has been made in recent years. But that fat cunt has eyes bigger than his belly.

Taking the day off to watch a load of shit rumours get floated about by Sky so they can make money off bets is pure nonce behaviour, I'm afraid.

We spend a load of time looking at players who don't fancy or we know we can't afford so they can talk a load of shit about trying.