Ayatollah Hermione

No chance Lascelles leaves us in the shit considering he seems to actually take pride in being our captain and knitting the threadbare squad together. He also seems to have an appreciation that he’ll learn much more under Rafa than he would elsewhere. There’s a ceiling to that, obviously but he doesn’t hit it in the next 48 hours.

This album is full of lots of mini-masterpieces like this. The vocals are a bit generic but it's all in the arrangements, my friends.

Fish is the only bloke whose sexts send over two messages

Was that picture taken during the whale watching?

I despise American sports but if the multi-billionaire owner of the Tennessee Deepthroaters came in and chucked the cash about, I'd be first in line to watch all those fat epileptics bray into each other for 11 hours at Wembley.

I can officially confirm, through ITK channels, that Thiago Maia is bollocks. I'm being serious before anyone asks. Why does everyone think I'm joking all the time

I wonder if there was ever a gay tribute act called The Huckle Brothers.

Always scoring in crucial games

Same, Rafa mate

That's tremendously selfish of them, considering all the people that would have enjoyed seeing them lose.

I am happy to report that they’re still shite

TBF, I genuinely think you'll see a massive drop when Rafa goes because it'll represent the best opportunity we've had to progress and that fat, miserly cunt has roadblocked it AGAIN so he can make it a pittance in a dying market. I think there's a prevailing sense that Rafa is the only thing that is stopping the entire club from being a directionless, waste of time and energy and he makes the team competitive and worth watching, especially when they turn up and spark the likes of Chelsea clean out. That leaves and what's the point in going to the match to watch a load of unmotivated, unhappy, unfocused players get pumped off whoever they turn up against? Also, Pardew will be the next manager. You can see it lumbering over the horizon so vividly, you might as well just prepare now.

"Hotly-tipped" Speaking of which, Adam Armstrong is off to Blackburn for £1.75 million. Seems a bit cheap for a current England U-21, a set-up which is very highly rated, but that's us in a nutshell

Is he still doing embarrassing advice videos on how to pull lasses? "A KNA YE CANNIT AAL BE STUNNAZ LIKE MESEL! HEH. HEH. HEH."

Seems like Joey Barton is going to spend the season pretending to be a great sports thinker while his team get beaten by Accrington and Gillingham

If you crop that, you can make it say “SHIT!” under a picture of them both

Exactly, grab a sledgehammer and start braying Sports Direct’s windows in

No but every single place of business he owns needs to be set on fire. That includes depots

A very outlandish prediction, like. That the 3rd best team in the country will beat us.

Definitely him. You can tell by the charver-riffic outfit

Only one thing for it. Put Sports Direct's windows out in the middle of the night. Might be harder in the Metro Centre but some heed-the-baal will manage it

ONE DOES NOT SIM OW THE MUFFI

I can't help but wonder what off-field happenings may be bothering these players.

You can tell it's the school holidays.

And we can’t even pretend we don’t have the money to pay for him since we’ve just pocketed 20 million for Mitrovic