Ayatollah Hermione

All the best with it. My mate suffers from seizures and they leave him glaky as fuck afterwards. Luckily, you’re always like that so they probably won’t notice

I can't believe they've actually dropped again. It's like they heard everyone taking the piss by suggesting it and thought they'd give it a crack anyway.

Not guitar chat but quite frankly, I think I'm the only drummer so I'm putting it in here. Finally got round to having a few sessions on my new electronic kit after fate seemed to determined to keep me away for 3 weeks and it only confirms that I am right back into the idea of playing live music again. Tom, grab your pedals and your luscious hair, we're hitting the pubs.

Greatest owner of our lifetime.

The window ends on the 9th of August this year so we don't even have too long to wait before cyaniding it up.

I don't think I've stepped foot in the place since 2012 and it hasn't changed a bit You think they'd try and spruce it up a little bit. Even Gateshead high street has had some graft put into it.

Can't wait to see the job Dummett does on Mahrez.

Side who have spent all season in the bottom three likely to be relegated shocker. and no, I will not stop shouting at you for looking at football through the prism of maths.

Maybe the West Brom players being experienced is why they saw through his act almost immediately?

I read a bit of Ready Player One and it was basically a step above teenage fan fiction. I'm amazed it got into a movie and amazed that it's a Spielberg joint.

I love how they've convinced themselves that their current plight is better than being in the Premier League, simply because they were fucking shit in the Premier League. Aye, it was the league's fault that they couldn't win a game to save their life.

Fuck off! The keeper is standing on the penalty spot ffs, it's an embarrassment. Hits it well but howay. Also, if you're taking umbrage about him being lazy then I'm not even sure what to tell you

Thank fuck someone remembers. They gave us total pelters and then tried to get chummy when they eventually realised. They can take their fucking flags, their fucking toucans and their CBBC Galatasary atmosphere and fuck right fucking off

Another assured performance and it's really telling how better we look as a unit now than we did at the start of the season. I think I said at the time that major issues we had were with decision making and game management and it's night and day how much better we are at it now. The job that Rafa has done with these players is nothing short of phenomenal. People rightly point to Diame's turn around but Perez looked anonymous and lazy against the likes of Wigan last year and now he's using the ball really smartly, always providing an option and linking up well with the players around him. Gayle's off the ball work is sensational at the minute, it's just a shame that he's not a great instinctive finisher or we'd have been out of sight by half time yesterday. Another day where you can't really point to a bad performance. If I had to be picky, I'd say Yedlin stands out like a sore thumb amongst the rest of his back four but he's never been outright terrible, just the weakest link of the four. Still, we're ending the season strongly, looking good at home and we can probably relax a bit. Also, yesterday pretty much exposed Wagner and his beautiful footballing philosophy for what it is; total bullshit. He gets all this praise for his "philosophy" that seemed to involve a 6 foot 12 bloke at full back, 3 other giants clobbering into us, a little micey cunt in midfield who was only there to spoil, 8 men sitting on the edge of their own box and a total aversion to attacking until about an hour in. And then the little speccy nonce goes on MOTD and says they were worthy of a point! What, with their one chance? Just because you've set a team out to defend a 0-0 doesn't mean you deserve a point just because your players ran around and executed an anti-football tactic. Sadly, I think there are 3 other teams who'll drop but fuck me, what an unlikable set they are. Rafa even has better glasses.

If Ibrahimovic could be arsed more than 60% of the time, he'd be on another level. And that goal is wank keeping tbh

Hope it's just someone taking the piss out of that sanctimonious arsehole tbh

Slim Shady is fit. 12-0

If you're heading to the chippy today, here's a bit of advice: When everyone else is waiting for fish to be cooked, just jump in there, get yourself a chip butty, pie and chips, something like that. You'll be in and out in no time. No good to me like because I'm still shitting no thicker than thread but I like to help.

Finally got around to the last two Margaret Atwood novels and they're typically excellent. I prefer The Heart Goes Last as it has a more wicked sense of humour but Hag-Seed is a fine retelling of The Tempest, even if I do tend to find retellings of Shakespeare boring as sin.

The Netto Shelvey is injured, it seems and Slimani may well be fit. Looking for a similar performance to Southampton ideally; come out flying, get one early and get into the possession stat-riding, "plucky underdog"-when-it-suits-them, footballing "philosophy" touting arseholes and send their specky glake of a manager back home to Shitville.

Since we're here.

Nah, just shitting everything out, coupled with some bastard stomach cramps beforehand. Sure it'll be gone by Saturday but if not, there's every chance I'll shit myself if we score a screamer

Aye. Not for you, though.

Third day of this stomach bug. Living on toast and water but did upgrade to beans on toast today, just to test the suspension, as it were, and that just led to more mayhem. Thank god I can spend my Bank Holiday on the netty.

They just couldn't cut the mustard in the end.