Ayatollah Hermione

Please stop reminding me that Gene Wilder died on my birthday 4 years ago. A birthday that you all missed last week BY THE WAY

How do you have an injury crisis 2 weeks into a pre-season after a 3 week break?

Makes me feel a bit more confident about beating Spain next year anyway. Lol at there being a player called “Fatty” though

Anyone want to see a black Alan Barnes? Thought so

Do ya rip

Surely we need a second friendly for the new signings to get settled oh wait

“Hearing an alarm” is enough to have me reaching for the cyanide most mornings so that had me annoyed literally immediately

Saw Fish in the midnight queue for the new Avengers game, squeezed into a Black Widow style catsuit. Nearly brought my tea up

Wish his fucking heart would decide to take a u-turn while beating

Ritchie came in and did a job but it’s probably time for him to go. He’ll only be on a decline from here. Not to mention how shit his crossing has become

Mourinho is good value on that Spurs documentary. He’s definitely a bit of a cock but it’s a bit like Methven where he could be a mockumentary creation.

Bournemouth want Ritchie in any deal for Wilson. That makes sense for everyone involved so it definitely won’t happen.

People not wearing them over their nose on the bus to graft is winding me right up now. How thick do you have to be?

Brighton are in the early rounds of the Coca-Cola/Worthingtons/Happy Shopper cup apparently. Fuck knows how we avoid it because we’re just as shite

Does she get them out?

They had to retire the Tekken machine since I was beating everyone and having lots of sex with their goth girlfriends, single-handedly curing them of their ailment.

Nolan disappeared up his own arse with that shittastic third Batman film and only sort of resurfaced to do Dunkirk before crawling back up with renewed vigour

I have and it’s a decent overview but nothing too new if you know your stuff like this incredible hunk of a man. No, I don’t have a pixel tie before anyone starts

I’d assumed all the Arsenal fans in Jakarta had moved on to Spurs or Leicester

Spare a thought for Graham Carr who won’t get any knockbacks from his dodgy French deals this season.

Troy Deeney

Would like to see Messi in England, just to watch Dummett mark him out of the game

If she finds it that hard, she shouldn’t be doing it. Honestly, women.

No Grealish in the England squad but there’s a place for Eric Dier, obviously

This fucker looks like he should be a waiter on Neighbours