Dazzler

More goals against semi-pro goalies than any other England striker in history. Less goals against top-ten teams at major tournaments than just about any cunt to score for England at a major tournament. He’s a great player but has never shown up for England when it mattered. Comfortably the worst England captain in my lifetime.

Roker Mackem watched an entire game missing all five goals waiting for his moment to shine. Glad we didn’t disappoint:

The last one

Aye, the idea that Mossad know all yank politicians that partake in a bit of raping and have carefully curated library of blackmail documents but didn't know anything about a planned attack from across the border just doesn't hold a great deal of water.

He just played 180 minutes in a matter of days. I don't remember him ever doing that for us without his thigh going, or his groin, or getting sand in his fanny. It's safe to say he's fitter than he's been in years, and still couldn’t score against a bunch of Kosovan plumbers and bin men.

“Make” not “find”

As if the daft cunts didn’t start a #FreeIsak trend on most social media platforms by stalking everything NUFC related

Let’s all spare a thought for CT who has no frame of reference since the Friday night blueys on channel five don’t show anything.

I’d like her name please. I need to know she’s got the best interests of the constituency I’m suddenly moving to.

I reckon my wife and kids would ask questions for a bit like.

TL;DR But, here's where you went wrong.

Can’t tell if this performance is a good England one or a really shit Wales one. What I’m certain of is I hate Bellamy as much as anyone in football and him invoking the name of two of my favourite NUFC figures before kick off - one of whom he contributed to getting fired - I hate him even more. I hope we do them for another 4.

Dinnit yeh meyn heyroahs, marra?

Tell M. Jackson from me that we appreciate the advice, but we also have layers of fat on our hands so this is unnecessary.

"STP THE BATS"

Make that 4

Lee Ryder looks on with tears in his eyes.

All so Liverpool didn't buy the defenders they needed but still find themselves top of the league due to terrible refereeing and flukey goals. All the while, we sit in the bottom half after seven games. Aye, we've played a blinder. Jeff really has his finger on the pulse here.

Jeff Hendrick .. Not only have they scraped the barrel, they’ve punched a hole clean through it with Semtex.

I'm more of the opinion that a prime Shay Given in the hands of Eddie Howe would be the greatest goalie of all time.

I only managed five last year - got three already this season - Liverpool, Barca and Spurs