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Never mind that, imagine being stuck in Italy. Not only are you on lockdown but now you've got arseholes standing on their balconies singing and playing instruments. I could honestly think of nothing worse.

If at some point you encounter a bloke in his fifties, fighting off the fit nurses with a stick, be gentle with me.

Well 1st night back at graft, office staff who can are working from home, however we're still working but they've binned loads of chairs so we can keep some distance between ourselves when we're having a cuppa. Trouble is now you're fighting to get a seat on your break whilst the little Hitler's are sat in the house on mein kampfy chair.

Oh of course they’re looking it back. The first six months are interest free. Good news on the grants for pubs and restaurants but it’s the staff that are being laid off who should be the main priority here. Many of the most economically vulnerable here are renters rather than homeowners and I haven’t heard any plan to support them yet.

This is a good old one.....

A quick note to the Irish lads on here from my good friend, Ray O'Sunshine* on this special day for all Irishman..... * @Monkeys Fist

What will you do in week 2?

It’s almost as if you were baiting him in to a negative response.

I don’t believe a single fuckin syllable coming out of China

Aye, my thoughts too. Which considering the supply chain, will devastate the NE.

Miserable git.

Early?

We’re now being told that workload will increase and weekend work may be required as well as bringing in agency staff for the donkey work Capitalism at its finest, we’ll all be riddled by next week.

Was out the other week and we got talking to some Yorkshire kids. Can't remember how the conversation started but it turned into a 'guess our names' bollocks as if we were chatting some blurt? Anyway, I said I bet at least one of you are called 'Josh'. One of them said how did you guess? I said most twenty something knackers these days seemed to be called Josh so thought I wouldn't be too far off.

@PaddockLad a mutual friend just been ordered home on full pay to wait and see how things progress because he also has asthma and even his workmates have been told to go home and only work in pairs for emergency call outs. They work on maintenance around the transport system. Meanwhile I'm expecting not to be able to socialise in pubs with friends or visit relatives but am ok to work alongside colleagues and sit with them in a relatively small bait room in my vital confectionery job.

By the end of this, Renton will be a tin-foil hat wearing, flat earth, steel-beams-can’t-melt loony, massively overweight and with a crippling addiction to extreme tentacle porn. A man has to fill his time

I’m currently watching Loose Women debate the government’s coronavirus strategy and Janet Street Porter telling millions that there’s no need for over 70s to self isolate and to go about their business as normal. Never mind that it’s incredibly dangerous information but if this is what self isolation has in store for me then just kill me now.

Blue Mackems. Fuck off

As an otherwise healthy person I'd take a dose of it just to be done with it at this stage. Have genuinely considered whether I had it back in Feb when I was completely poleaxed by some flu type thing having had the flu vaccine in December. Fever, dry cough, etc. Not out of the question when the Chinese are now saying first cases there were in November. Anyway all the best to those of you with underlying conditions. Fucking dreadful position to be put in with work for some of you by the sound of it. Let's see what the govt is going to do but in a sensible world, individual loans to small businesses stuck on the govt balance sheet and enforced mortgage holidays for anyone that needs them would be a good start - the taxpayer bailed out the banks, now its their turn to repay the favour. I won't hold my breath though...

This is doing my head in. The eldest has just started working in a pharmacy, the youngest is still going to school, the wife can't work and I can't work from home and my job isn't essential and I'm due back in tonight. But we should 'avoid' stuff? 'If we can?' No surprises the UK is looking to be at the top of the charts for worst outcomes for where we're at on the timescale.

Does he think the virus can count?

I’d be bored stuck with that tedious cunt all day.

I reckon I’d nail 3 months quarantine like . I’ve got a pile of books I’ve not had chance to read, a pile of records I haven’t listened to, a conservatory full of arcades I never get to play, as well as the usual Xbox, Netflix, Amazon Prime etc

i'm already drinking waaaay more than usual. every cloud. hic

£330 billion financial support for businesses

One Night in Turin is worth a watch ( it’s available on Prime at the minute). For those old enough to remember Italia 90 it won’t tell you anything you didn’t already know (although you might have temporarily forgotten what a little cunt Colin Moynihan was / is). But for a bit of bittersweet nostalgia to take edge off the world ending it’s worth an hour and a half of your time. Thought the little reconstructed bits woven into the footage were a bit unnecessary. As was the narrator explaining what a sweeper system was Flawed but interesting

In A&E with the bairn, some observations; 1. The ambulance crew had just been trained in and issued with PPE this morning. 2. Even though we have been labelled as potential Covid19 cases we have not been segregated at all. 3. None of us will be tested unless we are admitted. 4. The general attitude is unbelievably casual. For us, let’s hope the bairn has something regular. However, if the above is reflective of national policy we are going to be Italy next week.

That's amusing coming from you. This is literally my only place of human contact until tonight so you're out of luck.

Been doing it since 2004 so I'm hardly going to argue with the principle, but it does rely on actually having places to go, too. If we get to a full-on quarantine situation like in some countries where we're not even allowed to go out for a walk/run by ourselves... well, fuck it, I'll be doing laps of the back yard and uploading the activity to Strava

I look forward to my means-tested £15 per fortnight, paid after a three month wait due to the corona virus outbreak.

I expect you get a flu jab primarily because you’re a front line A & E nurse?... deputy CMO judt said all asthmatics who get a jab are to socially isolate. If you’re needing a bang on something a bit pokey hit me up I got good shit man

They bailed the banks out quicker than you could say “fancy a sub Tarquin?” but apparently won’t lift a finger to save tens of thousands ordinary businesses about to go to the wall. The only surprise is that it’s a new way to fuck ordinary people over..

That's me sorted for any self-isolation - on repeat

If you’d all sign up to my private snapchat, Fist Fist’s Fistula, I’ll be offering the following from next week.… Man Boob Mondays - £20 for 10 minutes of private mammary manipulation. Wank Off Wednesday -£50 a pop, very limited availability, get in quick… I mean really quick. Fat Cunt Friday - £10 free for all, last man standing gets the biscuit. Cheers lads, in these trying times I’m sure we’ll all come together in the spirit of …blah blah.

“Hon hee hon hee hon” vs ” Ahh, ummm, ahhh, urrr, ahh”

Aye, Yul Brynner is fucking mint in it.

Aussie foreplay?

Couldn't wait for that rectal thermometer, eh?

I'm dirty cash, the one that you asked for I'm wanted by the rich and the poor More and more, you just can't reject it You're the junkie and I inject it Into your blood stream, it's like a bad dream Money's the theme, do you know what I mean Did you just rap that back at him? Cos you missed a trick of you didn't.

If I had to go through him to get to the other three, I’d take that.

plastic polly even back in the 90s... I think any combination of the members of All Saints would’ve been prefereable at the time

It's 2020 ffs. What is Caprice doing on telly full stop, never mind to offer her fucking opinion about a global pandemic. Vine should be fucking ashamed of himself for having to do that show.

Johnson has wanted to be Winston Churchill all his life. Now he has the chance I bet he is fucking hating his life.

Bournemouth

Sadly this does not tend to translate well to the "intimidating lads who were good at sports in year 11" category.

Tbh, I think today’s match was our best home performance all season. Atmosphere was just as ever though.