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An southern Englishman is living in Ireland and whenever he hears about 'the little people' and other such tales he politely smiles but grimaces a bit inside. One day he sees an advert in his local paper offering a talking dog for sale, price €20 to a good home. The Englishman shakes his head then sees the address is just around the corner. Smiling to himself he thinks he'll pop along as he's not busy and call the seller's bluff. He knocks on the door and asks if this is the right address for the talking dog. Irishman: "Yes it certainly is, sir, he's in the backyard." The Irishman takes him to a pokey backyard with a small kennel and a bored looking dog just lying there. The Englishman smiles and addresses the dog.... Englishman: "So you must be the talking dog I've heard about?" Straight away the dog looks up and says, "Aye, that's me, mate.' Flabbergasted the man looks around for trick microphones but doesn't see any. The Irishman says he'll leave him for ten minutes so he can chat privately with the dog. Englishman: "How the hell did you learn to talk?" The dog replies, "Well, I've no idea really, I must've just picked it up as a pup listening to my owners. Englishman: "What did your owners think?" Dog: "Well they were a bit unsure what to do so took me to the Garda for their opinion. The Garda offered to take me off their hands and look after and train me so I ended up working at Dublin airport, eavesdropping on potential terrorists and drug smugglers and letting the garda know." Englishman: "That's amazing!" Dog: "One day my handler said that the CIA had heard about me and paid the Garda four million dollars for my services so I ended up in the whitehouse and Camp David just moping around like a regular dog but eavesdropping on any foreign diplomats like the Russians. Obviously they taught me the language so I spoke fluent russian as well as English. They'd let their guard down and chat about their plans and intentions and I'd tell my CIA handler at a daily debrief." Englishman: "Wow, that's amazing!" Dog: "It was a pretty good life I have to say, they bought me an amazing condo kennel with a little pool outside, I ended up hooking up with a showbusiness dog who was playing lassie and I had the best grub you could eat." Englishman: "So what are you doing here?" Dog: "Ah, you know how it is, I got a bit bored and homesick so after a couple of years of good service they arranged for me to come back home. The man who lives here picked me up at the Dublin cat and dog shelter." At that moment the man came back in the yard and the Englishman can't help himself.. Englishman: "Good god, man! Why on earth are you selling a dog like this for only €20?!" The Irishman replies, "Sure he's a lying cunt, he never did any of that shit."

How the feck are the forums going to work for us dyslexics if there are no more replys?

KRYP "Steve, calm down son, calm down. If you need some patter for an introduction video ah'll do it for you, consider it a favour for all those 'raring to go/do it for the fans/bleed black and white/aah hate sunlin, me like' pieces we did together back in the day. Divvent fret though, aa'll not mention you getting sparked by Andy Carroll. Lol."

They’re so bereft of ideas they’re basically continuing to pursue a culture war they’ve already lost. They’ve got nothing to offer to virtually anyone anymore. Couple that with the uncaring arrogance (I don’t think Sunak gives a fuck about the long term effects on the Tory party even) and you’ve got a zombie government slouching towards their inevitable autumn Armageddon. It’s morbidly fascinating in a way

Yeah but nobody wants to fuck an accountant.

And television fans. So we're only allowed to see a goal once now?

Thinking of applying to labour for a job if that's the competition?

Aye, the pontificating fucking billionaire. And I know money doesn't guarantee your mental health, but it guarantees your security and removes A LOT of the worry and stress which normal people are under, which goes a long way towards it. He's just a spenky, clueless, uncaring little cunt.

Trying to deflect from blaming younger people for the "sick note culture" only to then state that the increase in sickness post-pandemic is down to younger people is classic Sunak. At least there's a job for him on the history channel when his political career is completely obliterated. He says he wants to tackle the problem of mental health in younger people - but isn't prepared to look at the fact that the outlook for younger people becomes bleaker by the day. Can't afford to buy a house - because the barriers are too high, can't afford to rent a house - because private landlords are charging a fucking fortune, which has only gotten worse due to his predecessor and her suicidal budget increasing interest rates. The retirement age will be closer to 75 for them at the rate things are going and when they retire there probably won't be a state pension anymore. The price of everything is monumental - couples now need two good jobs just to survive.

The fandom is way ahead of you on that one, trust me

Where the fuck were you yesterday with this? I had a whole weekend planned safe in the knowledge that there would be replays in the FA cup next season. Weekend's ruined now.

"Steven Taylor had a debut to forget for Portland Timbers as he scored an own goal after just nine minutes before he was subbed off as his new side pulled off an incredible comeback without him."

Sex involving 4 people is a foursome Sex involving 3 people is a threesome Is that why Quiff thought he was handsome?

Makes me laugh thinking the young lass who used to post on here getting wound up by Gemmill taking the piss out of female drivers is probably definitely going to impact this country more than the rest of the board combined.

Grim, but at least it's given us some fine GIF content

lets run it back

They must know that they’re fucking toast, they must. Which makes shit like that, and small boats, and Rwanda, etc etc all the more jaw droppingly malicious, as they know they’ve got little hope of it lasting, if they get in to law at all. Take reducing disability benefits- without even going into the rights or wrongs of reducing it, let’s say they force it through just before they get booted to fuck, and people in receipt of that benefit suffer a cut in 3-4payments until the GE. Even if Labour reinstated the previous level of payment, on their first day in power, that’ll already be too late for 10s of thousands of people who will now be in debt because of the cut. It’s just so unfathomably evil and unnecessary, especially when you look at how much public money was given to their pals during the pandemic to fail to produce products or services. They truly are fucking scum.

🙂

Just checked and can confirm that thanks to Meenz the Bridget gif is available to use on toontastic.

Aye, now we have to buy mini-fridges for the living room because god forbid we go to the kitchen for a fresh can. That extra £100m better be coming back to us armchair fans to invest in the proper kit.

"Newcastle United legend" .. written by Steven Taylor

Two hikers are out in the forest when they come across what appears to be a small sinkhole. They're standing looking down it but it must be pretty deep cos they can't even see the bottom. One of the blokes says "here, I'll get to the bottom of this" and he goes and picks up this chunky rock, carries it over, and drops it down the sinkhole. They stand listening for it to hit the bottom, but as they're stood there, out of nowhere something comes flying through the bushes, absolutely pegging it, bursts between the two of them, and dives down into the sinkhole. The blokes look at each other in stunned silence with wtf looks on their faces. "Wtf was that?!" "I don't know. Some sort of animal, I think but it was moving so fast." While they're stood discussing it, a bloke comes out of the bushes and says "Here lads, have either of you seen a goat wandering about?" "A goat? Nah I don't think so." "Nah mate, haven't seen any goats." "It's weird as fuck. He can't have got far, I tied him to a big rock... "

They’d have to get Exile in to play in the centre of the park.

Isak’s burglar ITT 👆

Similar thing happened with my mam, she had a supporting letter from a high ranking professor at the RVI who'd been treating her for years (years she should have been on PIP/disability benefits and didn't want to 'cause problems'). She was knocked back, due to a lack of sufficient evidence supporting her claim, which was laughable on it's own. She had to have a phone conversation with someone from DWP when we appealed, and a phone call with my mam is all it would take any rational person to realise she is pretty severely disabled. This still wasn't enough apparently, and when the tribunal date was announced they relented and awarded her PIP. Probably because they couldn't be arsed attending, and they knew they'd lose. Luckily, my mam and dad weren't broke so the wait didn't ruin them financially, but most people aren't that fortunate.

He looks like he’s in the middle of shitting his keks

Another method may have been to try to fix our massively fucked healthcare system? Oh now I'm talking crazy.

I just hope they pay for hanging on to the autumn. Just a complete wipe out, less than 50 MPs, something like that. It's unlikely but I just want them gone and we can deal with whatever comes along to replace them after. Competence and professionalism seem to be in very short supply on the right at the minute though, so I wouldn't be surprised to see a good few false starts for either what's left of the Tories or anything else that sprouts up.

The Fa have announced no replays in the FA Cup next season. Terrible news for the lower leagues.

He's a man apart. I mean Truss has utterly fucked the entire British Isles and everyone in it

He must be the only Tory that Liz Truss hasn’t shagged.

Indirectly, the comedy value of CT lying about voting for Corbyn?

Scary spice hasn't aged well....

It's his first day back from holiday you gaffer cunt.

At least she got a photo with the demon headmaster and the turtle from finding nemo.

Turns out the club were quite justified in taking her season ticket.

What are you doing posting on here? Haven't you got work to be getting on with?

How man, ffs it'll take 3 years I took grief for pointing it out Cunts

Not really, take your missus for example, as soon as she dives on Callum she inevitably goes down easily.

🙂

What happened her tits?