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Have you tried to fight fire with fire and started to talk about xG back to him?

Now that the title is decided and the relegation places are done there's only two things to look out for according to the BBC, the race for Europe and....

Unrelated but when I was at physical rehabilitation in the army one lad had both lower arms blown off in a mortar attack. Everyone called him safe because he was armless.

Ray Comfort btw. Like a name Bob Mortimer would make up.

This is worse than Keith's story FFS

That's what talking to my father-in-law is like. Really long stories about a job he hasn't done for 20 years, and genuinely we'll be 10 minutes into one of these things where he's described in detail the drive to Scotland, the walk from the car to the office, including incidental details about "and if you look right, you can see this other building"... Bit of detail about that building, cos why the fuck wouldn't I want to know about that, and I suddenly have this crisis where I can't remember what we were talking about that made him set off on this fucking odyssey, where this ramble is going to end, and how the fuck I'm supposed to react when it peters out to nothing. It's horrendous. He basically wants to tell me a story about his old job every time I see him, and it doesn't matter whether it's relevant to current conversations, he'll just go "well that's a bit like when I used to work at...." and off we fucking go. They all end with me going "Ah right", and then turning to my wife and the mother in law and trying to get into their conversation. He must think I fucking hate him.

One of the worst things about VAR is a referee not making a decision on the pitch because he knows VAR will check it, and then VAR deciding there isn't enough to overturn the referee's "decision". But the referee has explicitly made no decision. So you end up with them both opting for the "no decision" route and now it's somehow no one's fault that a decision got missed. I t's fucking idiotic. If the ref isn't sure, he should be able to say "lads I missed that one, could you please review and let me know."

The deputy head at our high school was called Mr Golightly. We used to call him Mr Divvent gan heavily

The reboot is launching later this year featuring CT and The Fish’s sister.

I have my new car about a month now. Staying in a hotel in Derry last night and the underground car park is really tight so thought I’d reverse park. Doing a fine manly job of it, keeping a close eye on the reversing camera then BANG! I thought I’d hit my new spoiler as the sensors hadn’t gone off and it protrudes out from the back of the car but looked round and the entire back window was fucking smashed. Turns out there was a beam that sits out from the wall about five feet off the ground that neither my camera or sensors picked up. So just a little lesson to always check the rear view mirror when reversing.

Aye so was this lad...

Said this a few times before but for when the VAR team decide they need to get involved then they need to completely own the decision. If they decide it’s a mistake they make that call. They’re the ones with the technology at their disposal (and not just a smaller screen where someone else dictates which replays are available, as is the case for the on field ref). If they don’t think it’s clear enough to call out as an error then the VAR team should stay out of it. Asking the referee to look at the screen in front of a crowd puts ridiculous pressure on them. Surely VAR should be about helping officials, not making their life more difficult

Such a tale, it's like listening to a young Peter Ustinov

They were discussing the possibility of Wrexham away next season on there when up pops Keith with this scintillating anecdote:

It's hard to believe that VAR could actually lower the quality of refereeing but it has. I'm still sticking with VAR being the worst thing that has happened to football in my lifetime. It hasn't made any reduction in the amount of controversial decisions, the discussion now is just around whether VAR made a mistake rather than the on field ref, and it's slowing games down to a ridiculous degree. A lot of the time the supporters don't have any clue why the referee is delaying a restart. If anything is going to make people fall out of love with football it's VAR.

There was an ex-factory manager who did tours of our place for pocket money who was called 'The Northumbrian Piper', when I asked why he was called it, I was told it was because he had a colostomy bag.

He'd get Pickford these days.

He had a big knob. But, on the other hand, it was quite small

Empty seats everywhere. I think there is a decent hard core support but the rest are made up of double fans. A lot of people from Brighton have a second team. It’s very strange. They are doing remarkably well for a football club. Mid table in the PL, European runs, semi-finals etc. they didn’t even have a stadium 20 years ago and had to travel to Gillingham for home games. Easy to forget the shit times. I hope our supporters don’t.

I don't have the heart. On the rare occasions that my wife and mother in law get sucked into one of these monologues, the mother in law in particular does these massive audible sighs and will go "deeeear me..... Oh god." under her breath, and he looks so fucking hurt by it when he catches her. My wife will go as far as exchanging looks with her mam but never says anything. My lot is to just fucking accept that I am in a one way conversation and try to drum up a reaction that is as non-dismissive as possible for when it all ends. He had to retire early due to stress and I think in part it's him saying "I used to be somebody you know?", so telling him he's boring the tits off me would be quite brutal. It's an improvement on my previous father-in-law who would try and co-opt me into jokes at the dinner table about how fat the mother in law was, and when his step-granddaughters came round (all bonny lasses in their teens) he'd go "come and sit on your granddad's knee". 🍭 That was meant to be a lol, but the lollipop might be more appropriate.

It's a fucking ludicrous measurement system. I mean they measure solid ingredients in cups. How the fuck am I supposed to know in advance of buying mushrooms, what a cup of chopped mushrooms looks like. A half a cup of chopped parsley. Like am I squashing the fucker down? Just give me a weight ffs. No wonder they ended voting Trump in twice.

so many words and yet never looked like reaching an interesting or amusing conclusion.

Even that’s probably made up as well

I was reading that, after the success of this event, they are now looking into using the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to host some football matches

Get beat in both and we are probably out of it. 😀

I hope they have a promising start to next season (let's say 7th after 5 games) and then completely fall off it again. Will be gratifying to hear how "United are back!" from all these emotional fanboys masquerading as pundits and journalists, only to have to watch it all go tits up again.

At least he got to see the boxing

not even the noncey one deserves that.

That's nowt from that boring cunt. There was one thread where he went thesis length on how he once beat the queue at the metrocentre by continuing North on the AI and then turning round and using a slip from the Southbound. He was widely ridiculed by half the SMB then as well but was too thick to see it.

Mine is exactly the same. I can take about 2 mins before I zone out then when the conversation stops I just smile awkwardly because I have no idea what my response should be. The grand kids and his kids just magically disperse when he starts a story and I’m left alone in the room with him.

Since the introduction of VAR, on-field refereeing has becoming lazy IMO. Far too many examples where an on-field ref has chosen to not make a difficult call in the security that VAR will dig him out if needed. Evidenced in part by knowing if he's sent to review on a screen, you're practically guaranteed his decision is being overturned. I can only think of one example (Oliver I think) where after reviewing the footage he stuck to his original decision.

Do they pronounce "twenty" and "20" differently or something?

The new Bridget.

Lad I worked with had the same hand thing as Beadle and was apparently known as Clock at school.

A sack and a few bricks is what is required.

Apparently Beadle was a massive and reputedly absolutely first class Gooner well known for paying for drinks and in some cases hotel rooms for his fellow north London bollock achingly tedious 1-0 merchants as they were at the time. And he was funny for about 6 months when I was 14 ☺️

Tbf a lot of my mates just started taking their kids to the local club and they lucked out on being there for the entire Eddie Howe 3 promotions era. To hear some of them talk now though you would think they weren’t wanking themselves stupid when eg Liverpool won the champions league in 2005 and started trying to look down their nose at me. I like to remind them of that every now and then

About 80% - 90% of television pundits will still put them in their pre-season top 6 in August.

Aye. The story of their decline was funny but they are officially shit now so let’s just move on. Having an entire pundit team made up of Reds (either ex players or scouse ex players mocking them) means it will most likely not go away until they are good again.

STILL devoting hours of air time to a shit football team continuing to be shit. These fuckers must be the only ones still surprised by them

That’s assuming they don’t want him. I think he’s played every game under the new manager

I didn't look up their position to be honest. No mark club with no ambition. There's a chance nobody at the club even knows what place they're in. They'd be assuming about 12th based on the lack of vibes.

I'm sure they're just working on a piece. We should wait and see.

Oh, I fucking hope so…

I once worked a project with someone called Comfort Golightly 😂

The BBC and The Guardian seem to have forgotten to mention that this has tainted Liverpool’s season

Times are grave, vote for dave etc.

I think the gloss comes off a Wembley visit the 28th time. I quite like supporting a shit team (in terms of trophies). It makes winning things (or even getting close to them) all that much special.