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“ Daddy, what’s the difference between a piss enema and a champagne enema?” ” Few hundred quid, son. “

My name is Martin.

Forty seven but thanks to early nights, the best genes from a great family* and oil of Ulay I don't look a day over 45. *UM© verified. ✓

Don't worry about it, they only got a glimpse. And Daddy might have found a new interest.

Can't even tell if you're joking Tom. Heard worse band names though tbf and I'm missing gigs so much I'd probably go to that even if it turned out to be Gimli up there trying his hand at covering G.G Allin.

Thought I recognised that font! It's just a lazily modified Fraulein:

They look like them built up shoes people with one longer leg used to wear

I'm 52 which makes my Yeezy post even more ridiculous.

Thats the game! Bottle it, brand it, nick someone else's logo and if your pockets are deep enough you might also be able to blag an F1 sponsorship.

I’m going to go out there on a limb and say i think the presidential handover period is too long

Aye. Morgan has had his tongue tickling Trump’s prostate gland many times in the past when he thought it was good for his career

I remember seeing Piss Enema at The Cluny.

Bet you look an even bigger one, if that helps.

Harry Ramsden Pensioner Specials for you.

“Established 2010”, still unavailable in shops or online.

whoa whoa whoa, clinging?

Probably me, I'm fucking 60 this year

Sounds a bit like Henri Saivet

Just chill your piss and fizz it up in the soda stream. Suitable for #deluxe #enemas and #middle-earth #entrepreneurial #delusions.

"Welcome MAGA"

I'm petty sure concealed carry is already an offense in DC.

Fuck me this is a beautiful speech by Biden.

I know, right. I mean a few hundred quid? Do you think I drink Krug MF? I find Cava suffices for that.

The police should just pretend the protesters are black

Ffs I just googled that sitting next to my kids.

They are all following a cult build on lies and half truth though.

Sign him up, Charnley.

If she ever wants to get you another pair

Ultimately though, where Bizarrely Ungainly Joe comes on a shitlist of our worst ever players does have to reflect his £40 Million fee. £40 Million. £40 Million

Are you absolutely sure this time? ...

She’s deed noo like, whoever the fuck she was...

pretty much this. the guy is pretty much the most toxic leader of any of the free world countries of the last few decades.

'Okay, that's no problem Dr. Gloom, we'll see the kids tomorrow. Thank you for all you're doing in the NHS to keep us safe' 'Well, I'm not an actual Doctor' 'I thought you were a key worker? So you're a police officer? Fireman? Nurse? Government official? Paramedic? Social worker? Prison officer? Vicar? Postman? Transport worker? Nuclear physicist?' 'Errr, no. I edit video clips from home' 'Oh...'

Get your elders to teach you.

i'm playing the key worker card tomorrow like. how else am i going to learn to brew nord mead?

How the fuck are you meant to find time to make sourdoughs and roast carrot salad???

Fucking hell if I was her I'd be looking for a new manager. Reporter: "Hello we hear Tanya's in the hospital?" Manager: "No, she's dead!" Reporter: "Okay thanks, I'll file her obit." Hangs up. 30 minutes later. Tanya: "Oi cunt, I've just read my obit in the Guardian and you're quoted in it, wtf?" Manager: "Oh, hi it's you, you're alright, that's a relief. Got to go, need to make some calls!" Hangs up. Manager: "Fuck better call Monkey Fist before he takes the poster down, shit shit shit! Who else do I need to call?"

One is a drum roll and the other is something you should never do when supervising at the Paralympics

My lass reckons her class this year is a nightmare and she puts it down largely to the fact that they've been so disrupted and spent so much time not interacting with other kids. Which is awful but still not a reason to reopen schools if it will spread the virus. Maybe if it wasn't so readily apparent that their parents absolutely hate spending all this extra time with them, things would also be different. NOT LOOKING AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR HERE, JUST ALL THE PARENTS THAT HATE BEING AROUND THEIR KIDS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, EVEN IF YOU AREN'T READY TO ADMIT IT.

Oh and I’ve discovered that when things are as shit as you can imagine they could possibly be, something or someone will come along and pile more shit on top of it. And you learn ways of dealing with it, whether your mates drag you through by the ankles, someone brings cake just in time or you have a tantrum and then have to apologise to everyone afterwards. I’ve surprised myself. Turns out I’m nails.