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Harry had rung us first. “Ah think as gunna marry this black lass” he’d said. “Now hey mister Prince, who am I to stand in the way of true love, and she does look absolute filth, but you do know what the press’ll do don’t you?” ”I know Boss, I just have to try with this woman. I don’t know how to make it work”. Barnes smiled. He knew exactly which page of the playbook to finger. “You’ve called the right man. What you need to do is go to the press, tell anyone and everyone who will listen how wrong everyone else is. Make sure you sell your story. No harm in making some money off of your pain and suffering. Get as much input as possible from your lass, to make it authentic like.” ”and what do I do about the family” ”Leave them. You are your own man. Like me. Tell all your stories and they will one day welcome you back with open arms. Just like my Geordie family will. One day.” Barnes stared longingly out the dirty window, the old waiting game. “Okay. So leave the royal family, tell the press my side of the story and move to the States” “woah woah woah yooth. I didn’t say move to the States. You don’t want to do anything too extreme kidda. Ta ta for now. Bien chance.”. Barnes clicked off, satisfied he’d resolved another tricky situation. Just then the moped finally appeared in his cul-de-sac. At last, his Taco Bell family meal for one was here. Life was still good he thought as he waded through ankle deep litter toward the door.

This morning we can bring you exclusive footage of Robin Robin with Dougle’s breakfast whisky

White Roberto Carlos,.

I think we're going to have to be patient tonight, we're not going to have them beaten in the first five minutes again and I can see their fringe players being up for it. Hopefully their poor following and our atmosphere/scarf carry on can push us enough to get the result. Managed to pick up a Newcastle vs Bruno scarf at backpage so I'll be waving that about like A GROWN MAN.

"I was in the Sistine chapel on my lunch & and I saw Micky clarting on stretching a canvas, I said listen bonny lad don't bother with that, hop up their & paint the ceiling & we'll get away for a pint. The rest is history"

I took a quick scan through the podcast so YOU don't have to. Basically there's a very quick conversation about Villa and Newcastle where both times the problems were that he had no money to spend and fan expectations were too high. He wasn't fired at Newcastle but magnanimously went to the new owners and told them he wanted to leave because he was still negatively connected to the old regime and recommended 'the guy who got Bournemouth relegated'. No mention as to whether he refused a pay out though, seeing as it was completely his decision to leave. Other than that it's basically him and Warnock complaining that they're viewed as dinosaurs and how the Championship is more fun to be in than the PL. It's basically an illustration as to why they're both on the scrap heap. Eddie Howe did a great job at Bournemouth but it ultimately went tits up and ended in relegation. So what did he do? He took a sabbatical and went around the world trying to learn from others and spent a lot of time examining his own shortcomings and came up with solutions to make himself a better manager. What does Steve Bruce do? He moans about money and fans and takes a three month holiday to his Portuguese villa then jumps back on the managerial merry go round to repeat the same mistakes all over again.

'When you talk about dinosaurs they did rule the world for three thousand years'. Even when he's trying to be a smartarse he still fucks it up.

You have to say Howe’s gamble to rest most of the team was vindicated. Disappointing to exit the FA cup but he understandably wanted to put his strongest side out for this game. And now we’re a two leg tie away from Wembley.

Jamie Vardy looks like football saved him from a life of knife-related crime.

Eh? I thought my stream was delayed for a minute there. Red card offence, that

Shocker

Where the fuck did you get that footage. I've been hacked.

second red card offence of the game

ewerk pretty much nailing it here. I bought meself a bottle of red wine and a bottle of radox stress relief bubble bath and listened to it having a soak. mrs bd kept shouting up asking why the fuck are you listening to it when you know it's just gonna wind you up. which is a reasonable point. will probably tune in to the 2nd part just to hear the cunt claim we're all arsonists who were threatening to set his families houses on fire. might get 2 bottles of radox for that one.

It’s sometimes easy to forget, given the amazing progress made and the performances this season, where we were 12 months ago. I don’t just mean the league position (although that’s a remarkable turnaround), just look at the difference in the personnel. Obviously there’s loads still to be done etc but we’ve barely started this journey / transformation of the club

Ooooo ITK friends

This is a man who sees his next grift as a Director of Football.

I think he corrects himself to 3 million years, which is obviously closer but still wildly inaccurate

'When I offered up my suggestion for who would be best placed to succeed me the room fell quiet and everyone looked my way, I think it was Mherdad who first said something like, 'You mean you'd still advise us?' before Amanda butted in said, 'Mherdad, shush, when Steve Bruce talks, people listen.' so I passed on my wisdom as they passed on my pay off cheque for services well earned.'

You're welcome.

Buzzing, however, in the name of sunderland human rights warriors, I’ll place this beside our victory …

*Checks* They're not bothered mate. Only #726 posts so far.

Joelinton buzzing about like he's just been subbed on. His cardio is unreal.

“Don’t fuckin mess ya cunts” Like a Brazilian Begbie 😆

I'm no mathematician but that would make you at least 18 months old (give or take the amount of time it takes for a person to develop long term memory).

MY COCK IS ALOFT

We're fucking class. If we had some proper clinical lads in front of goal, we'd be out of sight by now.

A mug just for you

Especially as he had a massive £35m hint in the shape of Carroll.

fucking class isn't it. reminds me of the season we were promoted under keegan and the first season back in the top flight. those were by far the most exciting part of the ride with a manager who caught the imagination and the feeling that we were aiming for the very top. i suspect we'll look back on these years in the same way in the future - there's just the same sense of optimism that hasn't existed around the club for so long, and the speed of change is remarkable. it's hard not to get carried away - fucking mint

Thanks for the offer, think I'll decline.

Reported

With the hint of a tear in his eye he hopped into his Jaguar XJ8, 3.2, the sports version with the AJ-V8 all alloy engine, the kind of engine you dreamed of. The fluted leather seats, contrast colour keyed fascia and walnut veneer gave a warm embrace each time he entered. It was a car befitting the man.

That’s nearly a day old man! I expect better from you Where are all the spurious links that you normally get overexcited about.

I was having a chat with a few of the lads down my local last night - right mix of supporters - Liverpool, Spurs, Arsenal, etc. Every single one of them agreed that if PIF had taken over their club they'd be as happy as a pig in shit whilst still remaining critical of the human rights record. The majority who, as you say, have recently discovered their moral compass are generally keyboard warriors, steeped in jealousy and without the composure to be able to process it.

Aye that’ll do it like. Not a lot of recently found moral compasses on that thread which is refreshing. One lad says bar Isak who’s barely played our spending is in the West Ham/Villa bracket which is fair and tbh generous for your average punter…

And an ego off the scale. No thanks.

xG? Again? Fuck off.

It very much was buy them cheap with a view to selling them on for a profit. He had no interest in developing the academy because the chance of returns were pretty shit from a financial perspective.

I was going to say last night (as a pisstake) that Edwards will be along defending his mate soon. But I got distracted. What is the actual point in him tweeting that? Is he still trying to troll the fans. He’d be well advised to shut the fuck up about Bruce. He’s basically the main reason Edwards has so little credibility

Funny name for a dog.

FFS!